Thursday, April 26, 2012

Farts and Farting In Public....More Confessions From The Edge

I'm sure many of us have all had that "awkward moment" at least one point in our lives where we simply "trusted that fart waaaaay  too much" :)....
And last Saturday  an encounter with a customer led  me to thinking once again about the difference between many cultures when it comes to farting......and I'm not saying that any view on farting is right or each his own right?
So this  gentleman was shopping for a dining table , and as he is talking to me, he cracks out about 4 loud farts in less than 2 minutes.  And he was born in another country and obviously grew up in a culture where farting is not taboo :) . And I was thinking to myself . "Wow the dude can talk and fart and never miss a beat!".  And of course I was quite amused and trying to stifle my giggles.  Then he is debating between a table and chairs that have bi-cast (the new spin on vinyl) seats, and one that had chairs with wooden seats.  He asks me which table do I think is best for him, and I am picturing him and his family sitting around the table....saying something like Hey can you "PFFFFTTTTT" pass me the potatoes?  And I am imagining all of the noise from all of those farts rippling and echoing and rumbling off of those vinyl seats as he and his family are having their Sunday supper.  (I don't know if you ever noticed that farting on vinyl is kind of like farting in the pretty much intensifies the whole process).  So I convince him to buy the set with the wooden seats and I tell him that because he has young children the wooden seats will be much easier to care for and not have to worry about nicks and tears and such. I kind of sort of fibbed but he was happy with his purchase...and I felt like I had had some sort of entertainment for the day :)
So in my neck of the kind of grow from one extreme to the other when it comes to farting.  As a child you somehow go from  all "Whoo hooo! Look everybody I just farted!"  to the point of where you learn not to draw attention to yourself when you are farting and you eventually actually  learn that farting is supposed to be embarrassing.  And as you get older you kind of learn that farting is a pretty good way to gauge a relationship.  The first time you let the other one hear you fart or vice versa is  a pretty good indication that you are feeling more comfortable with one another. When my son was in his "tweens" he and his friends of course went through this stage where it was fun to try and embarrass "mom" out in public.  We'd be standing in a long line of people and he'd suddenly crack out a fart bomb (I'm telling you this kid could somehow fart on command or he knew how to magically store them up for moments like this or something) ..... and I would be all, "Kevin Ray! Say excuse me!"  and he would be all
"What Mom???"   Then I would usually say something to the people next to us like "I'm sorry...we're vegetarians..we eat a lot of beans."  And of course we weren't vegetarians but it seemed to be about the best excuse I could come up with for a kid who thought it was funny to try and embarrass me by sounding like he was crapping his pants every time we stood in line somewhere. :)  And speaking of kids crapping their pants.....a few weeks ago, I had a young Mom in the store looking at bunk beds.  She had a boy who was approximately 4 years old named "Andy" and his sister was a bit older but I don't know her name because "Andy" was the one who kept getting yelled at by his mom. So Andy was running around jumping and climbing and I'm thinking to myself "This is proof that some kids need to be medicated"
Just kidding of course, but that is indeed what I was thinking.   So Andy keeps saying and also singing "Ooops I farted" and "Oops I farted again" and it was almost starting to sound like a Brittany Spears remake....and he keeps laughing and giggling and really cracking himself up...he reminded me of one of those evil "Chuckie" dolls on crack....So while I'm in the middle of telling him "Honey don't climb on that you'll hurt yourself".....he says once more "Hey I farted again" but then he suddenly gets this look of panic on his face and starts screaming "MOM! I have to go to the bathroom right now!!!!!"   
And I have to confess......
I was honestly glad that Andy  pooped his pants while he was in the store because I was tired of telling him to stop jumping on stuff while his mom was busy texting on her cell phone. When she wasn't on her phone she would scream at him, but while she was on her phone she somehow temporarily forgot that she had 2 small children with her.  I see that a lot these days...but that's a different story :)

I solemnly pledge to keep living life on the edge!...............

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